There is no answer.
For almost 40 years I have been living under a shadow cast by a menacing dark cloud above, stalked by memories. I searched for an answer, an explanation, a reason. I realize now that there is none.
I think that there is what happened, and there is everything else.
And everything else truly means: Every. Thing. Else.
Every picture, memory, smile, laugh, song, hug, friendship... like this picture of my three daughters when they were little. Any and Every thing that brings a smile, a feeling of being appreciated and wanted, knowing that you matter - you matter to other people, and other people matter to you. You care about other people, and other people care about you. Knowing that you are not alone.
Like candles in the dark, I surround myself with people and pictures and music and memories to remind myself, and to make sure I don't get lost in fear.
Things happen. Some are not of our choosing. Incomprehensible trauma might be thrust upon any of us, at any time, scarring our sense of self, tearing at the continuous fabric that defines us. We need to take care and pay attention so that it doesn't become a part of us, running and ruining our lives. We need to be aware that storms passes, the sky clears, and sun rays punch their way through the clouds. We need to be aware of the many good and wonderful things in our lives - past, present or future - and to focus on them. We have lost something, but not everything. There's not a lot of time and we have to choose how we're going to spend that time.
I realize I may never understand exactly what happened and why. But perhaps what's more important is remembering everything else and keeping that in focus, so that it is possible to live with what happened, and not by what happened.
And some say, The Answer is Always Love.