I was there, I saw people being killed, and lost my friends, my youth, my faith.
We were mostly in our early 20's, hoping to meet the right girl, learn a decent profession, build a career, a family, a life. Some of us were older, in their 30's and 40's, some had seen combat in the past and now had wives, children, parents, and work waiting for them at home.
It always comes back like a reminder from some internal calendar at the beginning of June. Over the years I have found ways to divert my attention, dive deeper into my work, and forget about memorial events, names of people and places.
For close to 40 years I poured my heart and soul into recreating my life, like Sorrell from Warwick Deeping's "Sorrell and Son". I was on an endless search for salvation and deliverance, and found inspiration in the teachings of Werner Erhard, Martin Luther King Jr. and others.
I got married and we started our family. I went straight to work after taking a technical course, and as the years went by I became an accomplished expert in my field. And then, after almost 30 years, right after successfully completing my greatest professional achievement, things began to fall apart. I began to feel marginalized at work. It was overwhelming and I could not understand why this was happening to me. My nights became endless loops rage and frustration, I would often fall asleep towards dawn. It was something over which I could not get, and about which I could do nothing. I felt alone and helpless. I had helped so many people in so many ways, considered them friends, and was left with a feeling of loss and betrayal. But what shook my sense of self was not being able to understand.
I became listless. I never thought that something like this would ever happen to me. I had seen it happen to others, people who by nature took more than they gave, people who were driven by a need for power and control, people who bullied their way up on the backs of others. I was thankful that I had a giving nature, I had always avoided conflict and sought to work together with people and make a difference in their lives. I thought that by doing so, I would never fall. And now I felt that everything I had lived for and built with unwavering perseverance for over 30 years was slipping away. I went through a long period of mourning, depression and despair. Throughout my entire life I had always been able to "take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again", but this time I was paralyzed, and I couldn't see myself getting up again.
Two years later, I started connecting the dots back to that night in Lebanon.
I got married and we started our family. I went straight to work after taking a technical course, and as the years went by I became an accomplished expert in my field. And then, after almost 30 years, right after successfully completing my greatest professional achievement, things began to fall apart. I began to feel marginalized at work. It was overwhelming and I could not understand why this was happening to me. My nights became endless loops rage and frustration, I would often fall asleep towards dawn. It was something over which I could not get, and about which I could do nothing. I felt alone and helpless. I had helped so many people in so many ways, considered them friends, and was left with a feeling of loss and betrayal. But what shook my sense of self was not being able to understand.
I became listless. I never thought that something like this would ever happen to me. I had seen it happen to others, people who by nature took more than they gave, people who were driven by a need for power and control, people who bullied their way up on the backs of others. I was thankful that I had a giving nature, I had always avoided conflict and sought to work together with people and make a difference in their lives. I thought that by doing so, I would never fall. And now I felt that everything I had lived for and built with unwavering perseverance for over 30 years was slipping away. I went through a long period of mourning, depression and despair. Throughout my entire life I had always been able to "take a deep breath, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again", but this time I was paralyzed, and I couldn't see myself getting up again.
Two years later, I started connecting the dots back to that night in Lebanon.
I began to see how earlier incomprehensible traumatic experiences had affected my life over the years. I began researching about the battle, learning about PTSD and how people's lives are affected by it. I learned about feeling isolated and cut off, abandoned and left behind, dismissed and discounted, disbelieved - feelings that are difficult to share with others, even with loved ones. I found myself reading more and more about all forms of abuse and intimidation, and saw myself in each victim. I went through a long period of mourning, for myself and for the world as I had experienced.